The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.”

“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”

The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”

“Nothing. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

Things You Don’t Want to Hear a Surgeon Say in the Operating Room

• Oops!
• Has anyone seen my watch?
• Come back with that! Bad Dog!
• Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
• Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingy
• What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
• Damn, there go the lights again…
• Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
• Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
• What do you mean, he’s not insured?
• Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss “American Idol”
• What do you mean “You want a divorce”!
• FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

When a panel of doctors was asked to vote on adding a new wing to their hospital,

the Allergists voted to scratch it and the Dermatologists advised no rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a gut feeling about it,

but the Neurologists thought the administration had a lot of nerve,

and the Obstetricians stated they were all laboring under a misconception.

The Ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted,

the Pathologists each yelled “Over my dead body”

while the Pediatricians said “Grow up!”

The Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness,

the Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing

and the Radiologists could see right through it.

The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow

and the Plastic Surgeons said “This puts a whole new face on the matter.”

The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward,

but the Urologists felt the scheme wouldn’t hold water.

The Anesthesiologist thought the whole idea was a gas

and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

The dentists clenched their teeth and showed their disapproval.

In the end, the Proctologists left the decision up to some asshole in administration.

Adapted from: Nip/Fuct

Shakey went to a psychiatrist. “Doc,” he said, “I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. “you gotta help me, I’m going crazy!”

“Just put yourself in my hands for two years,” said the shrink. “Come to me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.”

“How much do you charge?”

“A hundred dollars per visit.”

“I’ll sleep on it,” said Shakey.

Six months later the doctor met Shakey on the street. “Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?” asked the psychiatrist.

“For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars.”

“Is that so! How?”

“He told me to cut the legs off the bed!”

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin
was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of
flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and
eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart
opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart
closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”

“I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied.

“What’s so funny about that?”

“I’m a gynecologist.”

“In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve my son’s rat.” Dick Stone told doctors in the severe burns unit of San Francisco City Hospital. Admitted for emergency treatment after an attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, he explained, “My son left the cage door open, so his rat, Vermin, escaped into the garage. As usual, it looked for a good place to hide, and ran up the exhaust pipe of my motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a string, but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.”

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. “The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a flame shot out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone’s mustache and severely burned his face. It also set fire to the pet rat’s fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent out like a cannonball.” Stone suffered second- degree burns, and a broken nose from the impact of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks.

- Another true story brought to you by the medical community.

Are you trying to decide what residency/specialty to go into? It can be a very difficult decision. And often its not entirely up to medical students. After all, we do have to gain an acceptance into the program we want. Anyways, someone sent this to me a while back. Click on the thumbnail for a larger view. Enjoy.

• One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make A person gain five pounds.
• Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
• Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
• I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pants on fire.
• Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.

A physics professor was explaining a complicated concept when a premed
student interrupted him.
“Why do we have to learn this stuff?” the young man blurted out.
“To save lives,” the professor replied.
“How does physics save lives?” the smartass student asked.
“Physics saves lives,” the professor said, “because it keeps certain people out of medical school.”