JeffreyMD.com » jokes

Medical Humor: Is She Dilated?

Jeff W — Fri, 29 Jul 2011 18:23:05 +0000

The following is something going around on the Internet. Not sure if it really happened, but I’d like to think it did.

*****

Doctor: Go see this patient, she’s going into active labour. I want you to check if she’s dilated or not.
Med Student: Um, okay. I will go check.

Medical student sees patient, checks the patient’s eyes, then reports back.

Med Student: Um…I think they both look pretty dilated.
Doctor: …What do you mean…both?

Medical Humor – Hiding $100

Jeff W — Wed, 11 May 2011 05:13:53 +0000

How do you hide a $100 dollar bill from a general surgeon?

Put it in the patients notes.

How do you hide a $100 dollar bill from an orthopedic surgeon?

Put it in a textbook.

How do you hide a $100 bill from a radiologist?

Tape it to a patient.

How do you hide a $100 bill from an internist?

Hide it under a dressing.

How do yo hide a $100 bill from a psychiatrist?

Anywhere — just call a code and they’ll be headed away from it.

How do you hide a $100 dollar bill from a plastic surgeon?

It’s a trick question. You can’t.

How do you hide a $100 bill from a neurosurgeon?

Tape it to his kid.

- Brought to you by the Internet
Source: Mainly here but also from people who have told me.

Medical Humor – Four Doctors Go Hunting…

Jeff W — Fri, 10 Dec 2010 05:34:31 +0000

Four docs went on a duck-hunting trip together: a family practitioner, a gynecologist, a surgeon, and a pathologist.

As a bird flew overhead, the family practitioner started to shoot but decided not to because he wasn’t absolutely sure it was a duck.

The gynecologist also started to shoot, but lowered his gun when he realized he didn’t know whether it was a male or a female duck.

The surgeon, meanwhile, blew the bird away, turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”

- Brought to you by the Internet
Source: Link

Medical Humor – Compensation

Jeff W — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 23:36:29 +0000

The patient shook his doctor’s hand in gratitude and said, “Since we are the best of friends, I would not want to insult you by offering payment. But I would like for you to know that I had mentioned you in my will.”

“That is very kind of you,” said the doctor emotionally, and then added, “Can I see that prescription I just gave you? I’d like to make a little change…”

Medical Humor – Playing Doctor

Jeff W — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 02:06:12 +0000

The seven-year old girl told her mom, “A boy in my class asked me to play doctor.”

“Oh, dear,” the mother nervously sighed. “What happened, honey?”

“Nothing. He made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company.”

Medical Humor – Things You Don’t Want to Hear a Surgeon Say

Jeff W — Thu, 17 Jan 2008 02:04:47 +0000

Things You Don’t Want to Hear a Surgeon Say in the Operating Room

Oops!
Has anyone seen my watch?
Come back with that! Bad Dog!
Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what’s that?
Hand me that…uh…that uh…..thingy
What do you mean he wasn’t in for a sex change!
Damn, there go the lights again…
Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us.
What do you mean, he’s not insured?
Let’s hurry, I don’t want to miss “American Idol”
What do you mean “You want a divorce”!
FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!

Medical Humor – A Cardiologist’s Funeral

Jeff W — Fri, 21 Sep 2007 20:22:44 +0000

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin
was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of
flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and
eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart
opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart
closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: “Why are you laughing?”

“I was thinking about my own funeral” the man replied.

“What’s so funny about that?”

“I’m a gynecologist.”

Medical Humor – Rats, Matches, and Motorcycles

Jeff W — Fri, 14 Sep 2007 05:51:02 +0000

“In retrospect, lighting the match was my mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve my son’s rat.” Dick Stone told doctors in the severe burns unit of San Francisco City Hospital. Admitted for emergency treatment after an attempt to retrieve the rat had gone seriously wrong, he explained, “My son left the cage door open, so his rat, Vermin, escaped into the garage. As usual, it looked for a good place to hide, and ran up the exhaust pipe of my motorcycle. I tried to retrieve Vermin by offering him food attached to a string, but he wouldn’t come out again, so I peered into the pipe and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him.”

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what had happened next. “The flame ignited a pocket of residual gas and a flame shot out the pipe igniting Mr. Stone’s mustache and severely burned his face. It also set fire to the pet rat’s fur and whiskers which, in turn, ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the exhaust pipe which propelled the rodent out like a cannonball.” Stone suffered second- degree burns, and a broken nose from the impact of the pet rat. His son was grounded for 6 weeks.

- Another true story brought to you by the medical community.

Choosing Your Residency/Specialty

Jeff W — Wed, 12 Sep 2007 11:42:23 +0000

Are you trying to decide what residency/specialty to go into? It can be a very difficult decision. And often its not entirely up to medical students. After all, we do have to gain an acceptance into the program we want. Anyways, someone sent this to me a while back. Click on the thumbnail for a larger view. Enjoy.

Medical Humor – Deep Thoughts

Jeff W — Tue, 11 Sep 2007 12:48:42 +0000

One of life’s mysteries is how a two pound box of candy can make A person gain five pounds.
Brain cells come and go but fat cells live forever.
Life not only begins at forty, it begins to show.
I had to give up jogging for my health. My thighs kept rubbing together and setting my pants on fire.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.